(CerbFestivus) SantaRosco is coming to town

I got up sorta Saturday early, being its festivus and all, not wanting to miss a second. I made coffee combed my hair started the truck and off into town I rode.
yesterday we shut the job down at noon and took the crews to the bar across the street for the usual holiday cheer them and there beers and bloody holiday marys I and my cranberry juice. It looked and sounded like the holiday lubricating of the souls was working as I left them all to a happy holidays cheer out the door. My mission was really to get off earlier in the afternoon three days ahead of the holiday Christmas and get my wife a present worthy of the fine patient woman she is.
ha that aint fookun happening. I went to the first of prolly 5 mall like areas in our small town looking for gawd knows what. I ambled into radio shack and almost got her a robotic valasaraptor, but figured she wouldn't use it past the 5 minutes after opening it , cause she's busy makin a turkey and, well she aint 7 anymore. Left with nuttin and wandered towards the cost-cutters at the other end of the strip mall. There were three woman sitting around just chomping for a 3 dollar commission on my hair cut. Its been about a year since I've been in a formal barber shop/stylist, so i was due. That done I went up town further and saw to my chagrin, a zillion cars in the lots of alllllll the gawd damn stores. There were several hundred cars waiting at stop lights. There were people milling about on every fookun corner. I could feel a terrible agoraphobic reaction coming on. Hurriedly took evasive action and drove behind the malls in the loading alleys out to the main stretch of town road back towards my humble shelter. Whew a sigh of relief, a wash of terror wafted over and was gone. now away from insaniacs away from the maniacal laughter of a dead Sam Walton overseeing his zillion stores, raking in a zillion dollars a second on a crush of Christmas buying guilt. I fucking hate it I tell you I hate it.
Safely home I contemplated my next move, it would be an early morning sneak attack on Christmas eve. Nobody ever expects the Christmas eve early morning sneak attack.
I went back to Sam waltons, "china deals are us" walked around 20 minutes, pushed the cart back to the cart corral empty, and whistled a carol out the door. There was absolutely nuttin in there that I thought she wanted needed or deserved nothing.
next stop menards. Here I knew there was something for everybody. I looked at a dishwasher, ours is getting old and she hinted at that. But no I didn't buy it mainly because it would take me a few days to hook it up remove the old one. Later for that. Much later like when the one we have explodes into a million pieces and wounds someone.
I found an extra wide tape measure holder for my fatmax 35' tape been looking for one awhile the day arrives that i now can secure my ruler! I wandered aimlessly looking at crap I know I know she neither wanted craved deserved or needed.
but.
I know she would buy herself some crap here if given the chance. I checked out my tape holder and bought her a gift card to do her own crap shopping.
now I need a gawd damn card to put the card into. Onto target, its still not sunrise.
I wander into the target just as its opening.i grab the card I want after looking at exactly two, one over my usual limit. Then wander over to the CLEARANCE rack, all crap and hardly a deal that says they are serious about clearing the garbage out.
then I'm wandering back towards the cashiers area going down a deserted isle because it is 6:45 am in the Midwestern united states I am alone at peace a lone Christmas shopper not a stray elbow in site.
as I'm walking this lonely corridor I notice a gait I've never noticed from me, it seems I'm walking like a fat man I am lolling side to side. I am swaggering as if I'm 400 pounds. I could almost feel my arms sticking out as they are too fat to rest comfortable at my sides. I looked seriously in the mirror yesterday and saw a second chin predating. I have never had a second chin and it was disturbing, for a second. As I'm walking like a fat man I start to sing, " he walks like a fat man walks like he has two chins, walks like a fat man. (sung to this elvis tune), I shook my head to get that melody out of my brain in a hurry, and tried desperately to walk light footed without breaking an ankle from the strain of the added weight. That lasted a few steps and I was back to walking like a fat man. But my Christmas shopping is done. I am at peace with most of the world for a day or so and f.o. if you don't like it.....................